I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Randomize