there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
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