Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Randomize