I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
