Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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