Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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