Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
