Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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