she was so not down for the gang bang
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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