I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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