and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Randomize
