Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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