Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
