life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
