Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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