beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Randomize
