and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
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