McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
