Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
