i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
So many bounce houses so little time
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Randomize
