Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
