I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
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