dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
