Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
