Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I just heard a girl say "We can't go that way, it is a one way street." She was on foot...Nothing worse than girl from the midwest that move to NY to "live out their dream" -the dream of living in a rat and roach infested 200sqft for $2k a month, and get fucked by some recent Ithaca college frat grad...
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize
