i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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