I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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