I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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