i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
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