i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
