i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
So. Much. Porn.
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