god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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