wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
