i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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