She is in my trunk
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
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