dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
