at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
