Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
