the new term for farting is butt boxing.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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