I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
