Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Randomize
