so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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