I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
