I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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