I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
