he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
