Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
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