Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
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