Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
