she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
