Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
tell your sister to shave her snatch
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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