so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
