he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
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