Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Randomize
