Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Randomize
