He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
