After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Randomize
