So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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