I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
