I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
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