I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Randomize