in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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