I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize