Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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