Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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